Love Lives On
by stefunnylovescarlos
Summary: "James, do you remember when we went to the carnival that one day, and you told me you loved me…I had to let go sometime…I just wish it didn't have to be this soon." The love of Kendall's life dies...how will he survive.
1. Remember Me

**A/N: The rain makes me so…deep.**

_*italics=flashbacks_

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The blonde boy pushed a stray hair back in place as he made his way across the field covered in rows of tombstones. He knew exactly where to find him. When he reached the tombstone, he kneeled down and dusted off the dirt revealing a name. Diamond.

The boy choked up whenever he visited him. A single tear ran down his face and dripped onto the tombstone. He placed the bouquet of roses, each a different color, on the brunette's grave.

"I brought these for you Jamie, they each mean something different." Kendall picked up a thorn less rose, his green eyes full of sadness as he examined it. "A thorn less rose, it represents love at first sight." The blonde boy set the rose down upon the grave and let out a shaky breath. "I remember the first time I saw you…you smiled at me and it seemed like nothing could make me happier than you…I had to have you."

The boy blinked as a few more tears escaped his eyes. He selected another flower and twirled it around it in his hand. "A white rose. It represents so many things. Purity, innocence…heaven." Kendall wiped some more tears from his eyes, and picked up a few more flowers. "Yellow with a red tip. It represents our relationship pretty much. Our friendship and falling in love. Yellow. It represents remembrance. James Diamond, I will remember you forever."

His green eyes were completely blurred with tears. The blonde sat down on the grass in front of the tombstone and tried to control himself. He sniffled and continued by picking up another flower. "Pink. Perfect happiness…that's all I had when you were around. I can't remember a day with you that I wasn't happy...Black." The boy let out a breath. "It…means…death and farewell. I had to let go sometime…I just wish it didn't have to be this soon." The boy let out what he had been holding in. A flood of tears escaped his eyes, and sounds of pain escaped his mouth. "I have one last rose for you J-Jamie. A red rose. It means I love you. I love you so much, it's unimaginable."

Kendall neatly put the roses across the tombstone. "James, it's been hard this past week. Everything is different without you. Carlos and Logan have been so tense about everything. As much as they try to fake that they are okay…well I know they're not. They proved it to me the other day…They…they broke up." Kendall gulped and looked down at his glove covered hands. "All they've been doing is yelling, and they think that I haven't noticed their behavior. Logan…he hurts Carlos." Kendall played with a stray piece of grass and watched as an ant walked across his boyfriend's tombstone. "I hear Carlos crying in his room…all the time. Logan doesn't realize the pain he causes him. And yesterday…Carlos left the apartment…and he hasn't come back James. I'm worried." A light wind tousled the blonde's hair and sent shivers throughout his body. "James, do you remember when we went to the carnival that one day, and you told me you loved me…" Kendall smiled remembering the day himself. "It was on the Ferris wheel, when I got cotton candy in your hair."

* * *

"_We are gonna have so much f-u-u-un at the carnivaaaaal!" James said in a sing song voice as he and his three friends pulled into the parking lot of the carnival. Kendall chuckled at his friend and looked out the window at the bright lights twinkling on the Ferris wheel. He couldn't wait to ride it with the pretty boy. James was known to be afraid of heights and he would surely look for comfort from the blonde boy. As Logan parked the car, Carlos and James flew out of it and jumped around happily. _

_Kendall smiled and Logan chuckled. They looked at each other and Kendall spoke. "You take Carlos; I'll take the pretty boy."_

"_Mhm. Go get your man." Logan mumbled to Kendall who blushed and playfully punched Logan's arm._

"_Kendall! Kendall! C'mon, man. Let's go on the Ferris wheel!" James with a big excited smile on his face._

_Kendall returned the smile and caught up to his pretty friend. _

_As they walked by all the other attractions and snack booths, Kendall caught sight of a cotton candy stand. Kendall was known for loving cotton candy, and his eyes widened in happiness when he saw it._

"_James! Cotton candy!" Kendall said smiling._

_James chuckled. "Here, I'll buy you some."_

_Kendall blushed and stuttered. "Nah, nah James it's okay I can buy—"_

"_No Kendall, I insist."Kendall smiled and James pulled him towards the cotton candy stand._

_James smiled at the lady behind the stand. "Can I get one cotton candy please?" She smiled._

"_Of course, what color?"_

"_Pink." James said with a mischievous smile on his face. James paid the lady and gave Kendall his cotton candy._

_They then proceeded to the Ferris wheel and waited in the line, which wasn't too long. James pulled out his lucky comb and combed through his luscious locks of hair. "Why do you do that so much?" Kendall asked smirking._

_James turned to him confused. "I have to look great! I don't want my hair looking any less than perfect."_

"_But you already look great." Kendall accidently blurted out. He blushed, and hoped James wouldn't notice. James didn't seem to take the comment in a bad way, and smiled._

"_Thanks bud."_

_Soon, the line moved and the two boys were seated on the Ferris wheel. "You scared?" Kendall asked the brunette shivering next to him._

"_Pshh no!" James gulped and looked in the opposite direction of the blonde as the wheel started to move. He was scared, but he didn't want Kendall to think he was a scaredy cat. He suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Kendall smiling at him._

_He smiled back, forgetting everything and getting lost in those emerald orbs. But James realized when they reached the top, because of course the Ferris wheel had to get stuck. A voice came on the intercom._

_*We are experiencing some technical difficulties, but there is no need to worry.*_

_James took a deep breath as he began to get nervous. "Kendall, please don't make fun of me, but I'm seriously scared." Kendall looked at the boy he loved and saw the nervousness in his eyes._

"_I would never make fun of you." He smiled genuinely and rubbed the boy's back. Suddenly an idea popped into the boy's head. "Want me to distract you?"_

"_How?" James asked, still nervous. Kendall pulled off a chunk of his cotton candy and stuck it in James' hair. James' eyes widened in horror. "Kendall!" James tried to get Kendall back and ended up having a slap fight with him. The cart shook, causing James to freeze, as he was scared._

_Instinctively, he hugged Kendall for protection and blushed when he realized how close their noses were. "Sorry Kendall." James started to pull back when Kendall grabbed a hold of his wrist._

"_No, James it's okay. You're scared, and I don't mind."_

_James blushed. "Thanks Kendall."_

_Kendall smiled and rubbed the pretty boy's back, and smiled when he heard a satisfied sigh from James. "James?"_

"_Hm?"_

"_I'm sorry for putting cotton candy in your hair. I was just trying to distract you, I should've known not to and—"_

_Kendall was cut off by the brunette kissing him passionately. He then broke the kiss and looked deep into Kendall's green eyes. "It's okay. Kendall, I love you."_

_Kendall breathlessly asked, "Really?" His heart fluttered. He felt like thousands of butterflies had been released in his stomach._

_James didn't break eye contact with the blonde. "Yes, really." He now looked down and nervously licked his lips._

_Kendall went in for a surprise kiss and James eyes widened. Finally, the hazel eyed boy gave in and kissed Kendall back. _

_When their second kiss broke, Kendall spoke. "I love you too James. I never had the heart to tell you…will you be my boyfriend?"_

_James blushed and nodded feverishly. "Yes, yes, yes!" They then shared their third kiss, which this time wasn't a surprise. _

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Kendall Knight put his head between his knees and cried his heart out. That day at the carnival, he never thought that one day he would be at the cemetery visiting James. He thought that he would grow old with James and have a family. He thought he would have a future with James.

The blonde lifted his head and looked at the tombstone mocking him. Well, at least James was resting in peace.

* * *

**A/N: Well, I was gonna make this a one-shot, but I kinda wanna do a storyline on how James died and what's going on with Carlos and Logan. So you guys let me know. :) This was kind of sad to write, but I hope you guys enjoy it. PLEASE…**

_**REVIEW, VOTE ON POLL, AND PM ME FOR MY TUMBLR.**_

**Big Time Rush**: _On the twelfth day of Christmas, Snoop gave to me:_

**Kendall**: _12 ringside tickets..._

**Logan**: _11 books on physics..._

**Carlos**: _10 juicy corndogs..._

**James**: _9 lucky combs..._

**Kendall**: _8 wooly beanies..._

**Logan**: _7 sweater vests..._

**Carlos**: _6 hockey helmets..._

**Snoop Dogg**: _5 municipal bonds with a compound interest rate 3% acruity monthly._

_(The song stops as the boys look at Snoop confused.)_

**Snoop Dogg**: What? You gotta make your money work for you.

_(The boys understand and the song resumes.)_

**Big Time Rush**: _4 comfy PJs..._

**Snoop Dogg**: _3 canned hams, 2 fractured femurs..._

_(Gustavo, Kelly, Griffin are listening to the song.)_

**Big Time Rush**: _And a song for the Christmas EP._

**Big Time and Snoop Dogg**: _And a song for the Christmas EP._


	2. Why James?

_italics= flashback or emphasis_

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**_The day before Kendall's visit to the cemetery…_**

"Logan, I know something is wrong. You and Carlos need to—"

"Kendall, everything is fine. Carlos and I are just great. You are the one who need to chillax…ever since James passed—"

Kendall clenched his jaw and said through gritted teeth, "Please do not talk about that right now."

Logan bit his lip and looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry."

Kendall gulped. "Logan, we seriously need to talk about what you're doing to Carlos."

"I told you! We're fine, nothing is wrong. Stop being so—"

"I always hear you guys fighting. You know these walls are very thin, and I don't know if you know how much you're hurting Carlos!"

"I-I, Carlos always takes it like a man. He's fine." Logan looked at Kendall with uncertainty in his eyes.

"Does he?" Kendall cocked his head to the side and looked at Logan annoyed. "Logan, I hear him crying his heart out. He cries to sleep, I've heard him and It's gotten so bad that it makes me cry sometimes. I have to hear one of my best friends go through all that pain and know that another one of my best friends is causing it. And I just have all this shit to deal with and—"

"We broke up."

"What? No, please don't say that." Kendall frowned and three little creases appeared on his forehead.

Logan gulped down a sob, "I'm sorry, but it's true. Carlos and I broke up. Now he doesn't have to go through all this 'pain' that I supposedly caused him."

"Logan, why? You guys used to be so happy. " Kendall started to pace. "This isn't good. You know this is going to end bad Logan. Knowing Carlos, he probably won't use his head and will end up doing something stupid."

Logan shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Don't you see Kendall! I don't care! I don't care anymore! He could do whatever the hell he wants to! He could go jump off a bridge for all I care!" Logan bit his lip, trying to hold back his tears, knowing that every single word that left his mouth was a lie.

Kendall looked at the boy in shock. "You don't mean that." Logan looked at him, but then looked back at the floor, not answering the blonde's question.

Suddenly a door opened the Latino boy came out of his room, eyes red and a big frown on his face. His lip trembled and he spoke to the boys, "You're right…these walls are really thin. I heard every word that fucking bastard said. So fine, if you obviously don't give a rat's ass about me, then I'm leaving."

"Carlos, no he didn't—"

"Kendall, please. I know he meant it. But don't worry, I'll always remember what a great friend _you_ were."

"Carlos, listen to me. Don't go. You're being stupid. Logan didn't mean what he said, he's just being a stupid bitch right now."

"I don't have time to listen to this crap, I'm leaving." Carlos wiped a tear from his eye and headed out the door, Kendall chasing after him.

Once the door had closed on both of the boys. Logan let out a sob and began to cry like a little girl who lost her dolly. "No, Carlos, no…why…'m so stupid." Logan mumbled as he wiped tears from his eyes.

Kendall called after Carlos as he walked to the elevator. "Carlos, stop!"

Carlos finally turned around annoyed, "What! Kendall! What! Don't try and stop me! I'm done with all of this! Logan's a bitter bitch, you're a wreck, and James is DEAD!" Carlos' chest heaved up and down from the anger, but that anger faded and was replaced with sadness when he saw the look on Kendall's face. A single tear rolled down the white boy's cheek. "Kendall, I'm…I'm sorry." Carlos wiped the boy's tear and pulled his taller friend into a hug. "I'm sorry Ken. I just need to get away from all of this for a while. I might be back. Please don't beat yourself up about James. And don't worry he'll always be with you." The tan boy pulled out of the hug and looked into the boy's green eyes. "I'll be seeing you." The elevator dinged, signifying that it was going to open, and when it did, Carlos stepped inside.

* * *

**_The day that Kendall visited James…._**

Kendall put his keys into the keyhole of his apartment, he turned them and opened the door to find something unexpected. Logan was sobbing on the couch, clutching an orange pillow with his face buried in it.

"Logan?" Kendall said softly.

The smart boy looked up at his friend. He had bags under his eyes and his brown irises were surrounded by redness. "He hasn't come back. I-I miss him so much! And I'm worried!" Logan started to sob into the pillow again, and Kendall went to comfort his friend. He sat by the boy and rubbed his back.

"I'm sure he's fine Logan. Don't overreact."

"What if he's cold, or hungry or lost, or dead. You don't know how I feel right now Kendall." The brunette suddenly realized what he had said and looked at Kendall with his mouth open.

"Logan, I know exactly how you feel. I actually feel worse. I have to deal with you fighting with Carlos, Carlos running away, you being indecisive, you nagging about Carlos, you crying about him and the death of James! You don't know how stressed out and sad and depressed I am right now, but I'm been trying and trying to hold it in for all of you. For my mom, for Katie, for Carlos, and for you. And it's killing me inside. You just, just…I don't even wanna deal with your crap right now." Kendall's voice cracked as he walked to his bedroom, tears flooding his green eyes.

He locked the door to his room and immediately buried his face into his pillow and just let everything out. All the pain and sorrow. He had never cried so hard in his life, but it felt good to let it all out. Although his heart still felt heavy.

"J-James…I need you baby…."

_Kendall Knight sat on the edge of the pool with his feet dipped into the cool water. The sun was beating down and most of the Palmwoods kids were either in the pool, or inside enjoying the air conditioner. Kendall heard a familiar voice behind him and turned around to see his boyfriend James Diamond talking to Camille._

_He smiled as he watched how animated his boyfriend was. It was one of the many things he loved about him. He could go on and on and tell you, but it would take too long._

_James felt someone staring at him, so he directed his attention towards the green eyed blonde boy gawking at him and smiled. "Hey Camille, I'll talk to you later. Imma go talk to my baby daddy."_

_Camille giggled and smiled at the handsome boy. "Have fun, and use protection."_

_James flashed his million dollar smile at Camille as he walked away. "Always do."_

_He approached his boyfriend and sat by him dipping his feet into the pool. "Hey Ken, I got a fruit smoothie, and its mine all mine!" He sipped the smoothie and batted his eyelashes at Kendall._

_Kendall chuckled and snatched the hazel eyed boy's drink and also sipped it casually. The brunette tried not to giggle at how adorable his boyfriend was and tried to put up an angry façade. "Hey! Give it back!" Kendall unexpectedly kissed him and James tasted the fruit smoothie on his lips. When they pulled apart James looked dazed and smiled. "Now, that's better than a fruit smoothie."_

Kendall giggled through the tears, remembering how much his pretty boy loved fruit smoothies. Whenever it was a sunny day, James could be seen with a fruit smoothie. That was just one of the things that Kendall loved about his Jamie.

"_So, Kendall."_

"_So James."_

_James flashed his boyfriend his beautiful bright smile. "I was wondering if you wanted to take a walk down to the candy shop…"James raised his eyebrows and began to sing like a dork. "I'll let you lick a lollipop, go ahead boy and don't you stop, keep going till you hit the spot, woahhhhhh!"_

_Kendall chuckled at his boyfriend and covered his mouth. "Stop Jamie!" James then licked Kendall's hand and giggled. "Ew! James!" Kendall giggled along with his boyfriend as they both got up and walked into the Palm Woods lobby hand-in-hand._

Kendall wished he had never taken James to the candy shop that day. He could've saved him. James could've been with him right now. Kendall pushed his face further into the pillow, trying to get the terrible images out of his head.

_James and Kendall walked to the candy store, never letting go of each other's hands. It was evident to pretty much anyone that these boys felt something deep for each other. The way they looked at each other, their smiles, just everything looked right and seemed right. The boys fit together like puzzle pieces. The boys were used to the jealous glares sent their way, so they would just brush it off._

_Making small talk with the brunette was so easy for Kendall as they walked the four blocks to the candy shop. The boys had always enjoyed each other's company, even before they had started dating. _

_James giggled as Kendall held the door open for him. "After you my dear." He said smirking._

"_Why thank you." James smiled so big that it hurt. The two boys explored the rows and rows of colorful candy displayed throughout the store. Kendall followed his boyfriend's lead. He loved seeing the brunette's reaction to candy. He was pretty much a kid at a candy store. He would always look so happy, so carefree. _

_James had four bags full of candy when he decided he was done. He noticed his boyfriend giggling at him and he smiled. "What?"_

"_Nothing…you're just so…"_

"_So what Kendalia?"_

"_You're so cute." The blonde kissed the hazel eyed boy lightly on the lips, and took his hand as they walked to the register to pay for the candy._

Kendall heard the door crack open and turned his head quickly to see Logan standing in the doorway. "Um, Kendall are you okay? I'm sorry about earlier I just—"

"Logan, it's okay. But, um, can you please leave? I need some alone time right now."

Logan gave him an apologetic smile and slowly closed the door. Kendall planted his face back into the pillow, not wanting to remember what happened after they had left the candy shop. He had had sooo many nightmares about it. It was like a replay, over and over again in his head, just there tormenting him and making him feel even more guilty.

_The two left the candy store, once again, inseparable, hand-in-hand. James began to swing their hands and Kendall grinned at him. "Is all that candy gonna make you hyper?"_

"_No, Maybe…Probably…Yeah." They both laughed and sat down on a bench as they approached an empty park._

_Kendall stared at his boyfriend as he ate a gummy worm. He put his finger under James' chin and turned his face towards himself. He pressed his lips against the brunette's. James didn't complain, he kissed his boyfriend back...kind of the way the French kiss, if you get what I'm saying._

_The lovebirds pulled apart and stared at each other. "Your mouth tastes like gummy worms and fruit smoothie." James started to giggle at his boyfriend as two suspicious men approached them._

"_What are you kids doing out here all alone?" One of the men asked. He had a deep voice and everything about him looked uninviting. He had a five o clock shadow, thick dark eyebrows, heavy set brown eyes and a shaved head._

_Kendall furrowed his eyebrows at the man. "This is a free park; we can be here if we want."_

_The other man laughed an evil threatening laugh that made James flinch. "You know you shouldn't be in this part of town unless you're looking for trouble."_

_The blonde looked into the icy eyes of the man who had just spoken. "Well, we're not looking for trouble, so you two can just run along." He looked at his boyfriend to be sure that he was okay. James did look a little frightened, but tried to be brave about the situation._

_The first man spoke again. "Well, unlucky for you, we are looking for trouble. So give me your fucking money or I'll shoot both of your faggot asses!" _

"_How 'bout you just get the fuck out of here! You fucking low life! You're not stealing from me! Not today, tomorrow! Never!" Kendall got up in the man's face. _

_James tried to talk, "Kendall, please—"_

"_James, no I got this."_

_Both the men chuckled maniacally. "You better listen to your friend."_

_Kendall crossed his arms. "Just get out of here; it would be better for the both of us."_

_The men looked at each other. "I didn't wanna have to do this, but…" One man pulled out a gun, while the other grabbed Kendall in choke hold._

_The bald man pointed the gun at James, whose face was filled with horror, and fear. "Say goodbye to your little friend."_

"_NOOO!" Kendall tried to get loose from the man's grip as he watched the man pull the trigger. Once. James clutched his chest. Twice. James collapsed. Three times. James didn't respond. Four times. Just to see Kendall suffer. "JAMES! NO! YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!" Tears flooded Kendall's face, his green eyes blurred by a sea of tears._

_The man finally let go of Kendall and the two of them ran away. Kendall went over to his love and held him in his arms. James' pretty face looked peaceful, there was no emotion on it and his long eyelashes cast shadows along his now pale cheeks. Kendall sobbed with the brunette in his arms. Brushing back his bangs he placed a kiss upon his forehead. "No, N-no, NO! Why, oh why James…why." _

Kendall clutched his pillow tightly as the scene replayed in his head like a broken record. The same question would buzz in his ears every time he thought about it. _Why?_ _Why did it have to be James?_

**A/N: :'( SO SAD. I kept flinching while writing this. Ugh. Poor Jamsie Poo. Even though I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stepped on, I hope you liked this chapter. And do you want another chapter. Let me know. Please….**

_**REVIEW!**_

**Camille: **(_Slaps Kendall) _How could you? With my mom in the hospital, and my huge fight with my best friend, and my zit!  
**James, Kendall, Logan, and Carlos**: Degrassi audition?


	3. Tough Love

**A/N: Hello my loves! :) Sorry for the delay! I've been mega busy! Anyways, let's see what happens with Carlos! :O**

The drumming sound of the rain calmed the Latin boy. His sobs began to slow and his chest didn't heave up and down in anger. Carlos sat on a bench, drenched in water, staring out into the cold miserable world. Those evil words were uttered by a boy that once showed him so much love and compassion. Those words now showed a trace of neither love nor compassion. They were pure hate. Carlos recalled a time when Logan and him didn't have a care in the world. All that would concern them was each other. Their worlds were revolved around loving each other.

"_DOGS! IF YOU DRIVE MR.X CRAZY, I WILL BE SURE THAT THIS NEXT WEEK OF PRACTICE IS LIVING HELL!" Gustavo's voice boomed as Kelly and he exited Rocque Records. Kelly waved bye to the boys, an apologetic smile plastered on her face._

_Mr. X looked at them with a crazy look in his eye, and then in his accented voice he said, "Let's dance bitches!" _

_Carlos' face lit up, "Hell yeah!" he said as he grinded on Logan's leg. Logan squeaked and his face turned a bright red as he pulled away from Carlos._

"_Carlos what do you think you are doing!" Logan whispered through gritted teeth. Kendall and James had distracted Mr. X from them, because of course they didn't want him or Gustavo to find out about them being "together"._

"_I'm sorry Logie. That's just the way I roll! And if you don't like it then…please tell me you do like the way I roll. You do right?" Carlos looked concerned now and Logan thought it might have been the cutest thing in the world._

"_No Carlos, I LOVE the way you roll." He softly caressed his boyfriend's cheek and Carlos blushed. "And I really wanna kiss you right now, but you know…Mr. X is over there and—"_

_Carlos' lips were on Logan's. And yes, Logan did love the way Carlos 'rolled'. Especially those unexpected kisses. Logan closed his eyes and kissed Carlos back melting into the kiss._

_They broke apart and realized that Kendall and James had broken into a fake fight to distract Mr. X. Logan leaned his forehead on Carlos'. "We could've gotten caught, babe."_

"_Well, you're worth the risk. I love you." _

_Logan's lips tugged up into a smile. "I love you too. And I always will."_

"Fuck." Carlos muttered under his breath as he ran a hand through his soaking curls. "I don't want to do this anymore." He whispered hoarsely. The thought of suicide had scared him. Before all of this, he didn't understand why people would want to kill themselves; he would always find the best in every situation, so he was never one of those mopey sad people. But now, he was the definition of them.

He let out a deep breath of air and looked up to see two mysterious men walking in his direction. His breath caught in his throat. They were exactly the way that Kendall had described them. The ones that had killed James. And that had destroyed Kendall. They had so many memories together, so many memories that didn't have to be destroyed but were. _Your memories don't have to be destroyed. _He told himself as the two men walked closer to him. His heart began beating and his nervousness ceased him from moving.

_Live your life to its fullest. If you fall, just get up and fix the error that caused you to fall and continue on. _ Someone had told him that once. Someone wise. Logan.

Carlos broke into a run, and soon heard footsteps running behind him and shouting. "HEY KID! GET BACK HERE!"

The Latino heard his feet pounding on the wet concrete, he heard his heart pounding in his ears, and he heard the bullet that nearly hit him. The second one that bounced off of a stop sign that he passed, and the third one that just barely hit his shoe and made him trip. He hit the wet ground with a loud crash, knocking the air out of his lungs. He heard the two men approaching him quickly, so he used all the energy he had to get up and run into a drug store. He knew they wouldn't come in here. They were wanted for murder, why would they come into a store with security cameras. They would blow their cover. So no, they wouldn't follow him into the drug store.

He ran into the store and collapsed in the corner. He was wheezing, trying to catch his breath and the fact that he was sobbing and was so out of it, didn't help. He cried into his hands, trying to muffle his loud sobs, but was unsuccessful. He peaked through his hands to see a little girl holding a Barbie staring at him and frowning. She tugged at her mother's skirt and said in a squeaky voice. "What's wrong wit Cwarlos?" Her mother didn't look at him twice.

"Come on sweetie, we don't talk to strangers." The little girl didn't peel her eyes away from Carlos, until her mother dragged her along into a different aisle.

"Bye-bye Cwarlos! Don't cwry!" She said while waving.

Carlos couldn't help but smile a little at his fan. He wiped his eyes and decided to examine his shoe. He took it off and realized that a part of the back of it had a hole from the bullet. His stomach dropped. The bullet was that close to hitting him. He let out a shaky breath and a tear rolled down his cheek. He wiped it away and looked at his watch. _7:56 p.m Sunday_. He had been gone for two days, no wonder he was hungry. He got up and went up to a cashier in the front of the store.

"Excuse me sir."

The boy looked up at him and smiled. "Yes, how can I help you?"

"Do you know how to get to the Palm Woods from here?"

"Are you…Carlos Garcia from Big Time Rush?" The boy looked super excited as Carlos nodded his head yes.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, I'm Randy. I'm a HUGE fan of yours." Carlos smiled and extended his hand for a handshake.

The boy happily told Carlos how he could get back to the Palm Woods and Carlos thanked him and left the store, escorted by two security guards, just in case those thugs decided they wanted to attack him again.

* * *

Kendall held his pillow tightly as he stared at the wall that had gotten darker in the past two hours that he laid there. He decided that it would be best to get up and not mope around. Hopefully it would make him feel better. He stretched and walked into the kitchen to find a pathetic looking Logan sitting at the kitchen table, eating a corndog and crying. He had his glasses on, which made him look even more like a lost little boy.

He looked up at Kendall and forced a fake smile. "H-hey Kendall…d-d-o, do you want a c-cornd-dog?" He asked sniffling.

Kendall raised his eyebrows and shook his head no. His smaller friend looked down and Kendall saw his lip quiver. "Logan." The mousy boy looked up at Kendall whose arms were outstretched for a hug. Logan got up quickly and hugged his friend, letting it all out. The blonde hugged his friend back, letting a few tears of his own silently slip out.

"I'm s-so o-rreeeeee!" Logan said, well tried to say. "I n-n-ee-ee-d to stop t-this, but its hard K-Kendall."

"Shh, shh I know Logan, I know." Kendall rubbed his friend's back, trying to comfort him.

Logan had quieted down a bit, but was still shaking and little squeaks of sadness escaped his lips. Suddenly, a series of loud knocks were heard at the door. Kendall untangled himself from the hug and looked down at Logan, "I'll get it."

Logan nodded his head and starting pacing to keep himself from crying. Kendall walked over to the door and opened it. He was surprised to see the short Latin boy staring back at him with tears in his eyes. Tears formed in Kendall's eyes and he opened his mouth in shock. "Carlos?" he said quietly. The he pulled the shorter boy into a hug. "I'm so glad you're back, Logan's been worried sick." Carlos pulled away from the hug.

"Really?" He smiled and stepped into the apartment. He saw Logan pacing and his heart beat quickened. He hadn't seen Logan in only two days, but to him it seemed like eternity. "Logan?" He whispered.

Logan froze in his tracks and slowly looked over to see who had spoken his name. His eyes widened when he saw Carlos. He ran to him and held him tightly. "Carlos. Oh my goodness Carlos, it's really you! You're okay! I'm sorry! Sorry for everything! I love you so much! Please don't ever leave me again!" He said very quickly as he kissed Carlos all over his face, saving his mouth for last. They shared a long, loving kiss. Kendall watched the scene unfold and felt uneasiness in his stomach. Jealously. Not of Carlos and Logan themselves, but what they had. The way they loved each other so much. He would never have that again.

Logan held Carlos' face. "I missed you so much my love." He wiped a tear away from Carlos' eye.

"Y-you don't know how good it feels to hear you say that." Carlos hiccupped and Logan kissed his cheek.

"Don't ever leave me again. I can't live without you. You complete me."

"I love you." The two short boys finally broke apart and looked at Kendall, who was apparently crying. They then realized their fault and both hugged him.

"Life just isn't fair, is it?" The blonde boy said through the tears.

* * *

**A/N: Hey Randy! I threw you in there! Hope you don't mind! :D I hoped you liked it even though there was a lot of crying and stuff. :P**

**Question: Okay, so I hope you guys understand that I am a busy girl, so that is why I haven't posted for The New Kid in a while. So, my question is, should I just delete "That Should Be Me" because that story is kinda on the side right now, and The New Kid is my major priority. Let me know! And also please tell me what you thought about this chapter,**

_**REVIEW!**_

**ALSO ONE MORE THING! :) **

**So like, I had this idea, but I wanted to know if you guys would like it! I wanted to do like a story, but like its Logan's Diary, and base it off of Logie's Big Time Crush! What do you guys think, would you like that? It would be sort of behind the scenes I guess you can say! haha And this would be easier for me to write than That Should Be Me :)**

**Gustavo**: Carlos still lacks direction.

**Carlos**: _[turning away from Gustavo]_ I do not!

**Gustavo**: Turn around.

**Carlos**: _[spins around and still not facing Gustavo]_

**Gustavo**: _[goes to Logan]_ Logan still lacks swagger.

**Logan**: Yes but if you ever need a color pencil, who are you gonna call? _[gives Gustavo a color pencil]_

**Gustavo**: _[breaks the color pencil]_

**Logan**: _[screams]_


	4. Keep Holding On

**A/N: Sooo I realized…I haven't finished this story! *facepalm* My bad guys… :P But here you goooo! :) **

Carlos and Logan had tried and tried to comfort Kendall, but the blonde boy repeated over and over the he was fine, and that they should go to bed because it was late.

"Kendall, are you sure you don't want us to—"

"I'M FINE!" Kendall's chest heaved up and down and he wiped the tear falling from his eye.

_Silence._

"I'm fine." He whispered.

_Silence. _The two shorter band members hugged their taller friend. "We're sorry, Kendall. Get some rest. If you want to talk, we're here for you." Logan mumbled into the boy's ear. Kendall simply nodded his head and the two lovers disappeared into their bedroom.

* * *

Kendall was curled up in a fetal position on his bed. His eyes bore into the wall, his head full of thoughts. It was 2:30 AM, and the poor boy could not sleep. All he could do, was cry. He rolled over and hugged the pillow. _His_ pillow. James'. It smelled like him. Kendall breathed the scent deeply and felt his eyes begin to get heavy, and drifted off into a dreamland.

"_Kendall…" A faint giggle was heard. "Kenny, wake up baby." Kendall's eyes fluttered open, and there he was. James, dressed in a white button down and white jeans, smiling his beautiful smile._

"_James?" Kendall's face hurt from how hard he was smiling. "Baby, I thought you…died." James took Kendall's hand and lifted him up so that they were face to face._

"_I'm okay Kenny. I need you to be okay, too. Can you do that my love?" James laced his fingers with Kendall's and kissed his nose. A smile tugged at Kendall's lips and he nodded. _

"_So you're okay…I was just having a crazy nightmare." Kendall stroked the brunette's cheek. "You're okay."_

"_I need you to be happy. Find someone to make you happy…do it for me…for the both of us."_

"_But you already make me happy…why do you want me to find someone else?" Kendall furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. _

"_I can't be there for you physically…just spiritually and mentally. You need someone to kiss you, hug you…cuddle with you." Kendall looked down as a tear rolled down his cheek. James rubbed the tear away with his thumb. "Baby, look at me." Kendall looked up. "I'm always around you. There's no need to cry."_

"_I love you James." Kendall began to sob. James embraced him lovingly, stroking his hair, kissing the top of his head. _

"_I love you Kendall."_

Kendall woke up crying. He was still hugging the now tear soaked pillow. "James? JAMES?" Kendall sat up on his bed. "He's gone…" Kendall rubbed his teary eyes, sniffling. Suddenly a magazine fell off the self above him, startling him. Kendall gasped and picked up the magazine. It was entitled "Man Fashion" and had fallen open to a page with an ad for "Uncle Vinny's Chapped Elbow Cream." "You're still here." Kendall whispered as he hugged the magazine tightly.

* * *

Kendall poured himself a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and sat down at the table. Logan and Carlos were both eyeing him curiously. He stopped crunching on his cereal and looked up at them. They both looked away embarrassed and pretended to be doing something.

"You guys I'm fine." Carlos put down the upside down newspaper that he was 'reading'.

"We're really worried about. We just don't want you to become depressed." Kendall smiled softly at Carlos.

"I won't. I … perfectly fine. I'm good."

"Kendall. You hate Cinnamon Toast Crunch." Logan rose his eyebrows while speaking.

Kendall whispered. "James liked it."

"You're eating at the breakfast table while holding a pillow!" Logan looked at him like he unbelievable. Kendall mumbled under his breath. "What? I couldn't hear you?"

"It. Smells. Like. Him." Kendall said through gritted teeth. "What? I can't miss him? Carlos comes home and now I can't miss him. You can run around like a chicken without a head when Carlos is gone, but I can't comfort myself because the man I love is dead? He's dead Logan."

"Yes Kendall. He's dead. James is not coming back, you have to deal with it." Logan said strictly. "Get over it."

"Maybe you should've ran away. It would've been nice to come home to only Carlos." Kendall got up angrily and walked out the door, slamming it on the way out. Logan rolled his eyes and looked to Carlos. He had a distant look on his face.

"How could you say that to him?" his voice was hoarse. "Kendall's like a brother to us. We love him…Well, I love him. Do you?"

"Yes, Carlos. Of course I do…I'm just tryna help him."

" Not everyone needs your help Logan. You need to let him figure this out himself." Logan opened his mouth to defend himself, but he realized something.

"You're right."

* * *

**Kendall POV**

"Okay mom, *sniff*, I'll talk to you later. I love you too." I pressed the end key. My mom and Katie had moved back to Minnesota a year ago because of family problems. They knew about James and every now and then, she would call to check up on me. I always lied to her, saying I was okay. I couldn't put my burden on her.

I looked up at the clear blue sky. Funny, just yesterday it was raining. I sighed and looked around at the empty park. No kids swinging…no elderly women taking a stroll…no dogs being walked. It was completely empty except for my guitar and me. I pulled it out and ran my hand down its side…over the note written in Sharpie. "Keep holding on, because I'm here for you. XOXO JM" I smiled and began to sing quietly.

"_So far away, I wish you were here  
Before it's too late this could all disappear  
Before the door's closed and it comes to an end  
With you by my side I will fight and defend  
I'll fight and defend, yeah, yeah  
Keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through  
Just stay strong  
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you…"_

I sang quietly. I had stayed up all the rest of the night last night writing the song. I knew I had to be strong, for him. My Jamie. Yes, he was the sunshine of my day. He made my life so carefree and filled me with happiness. He showed me love. I had to say strong.

**A/N: I hope this is good. :/ The song is actually Avril Lavigne's but we can pretend Kendall wrote it ;) Another chapter will be up hopefully soon, but for now PLEASE…**

_**REVIEW!**_

**James**: OH their sassy, we are not good with sassy.

**Kendall**: OH! WE ARE VERY GOOD WITH SASSY!

_**Kames :)  
**_


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